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self-analysis (noun); self-a·nal·y·sis (sĕlfˌə-nălˈĭ-sĭs) An independent methodical attempt to study and comprehend one’s own personality, emotions, and behavior. (Your

I am seriously trying to take a long look at myself and what makes me tick. When I started this post I was going to break down my personality traits into good and not good. Then I noticed my traits, good, bad or other, sort of ran together. I decided it would be easier to make one list period.  I think this is already a breakthrough in my self-analysis. I’m a garbled person.

I am a total control freak. I was a drama queen before Lindsay Lohan was born, and I can never answer a single question asked in less than a hundred words or five minutes, whichever comes first. I can motivate anyone at anytime except for myself. I procrastinate, multitask until it is actually laughable,  I am a dreamer, never satisfied, always want to do something bigger and better, and I never sleep.  Whew! I’m glad I didn’t use that in an eHarmony profile.

So, what in the heck is wrong with me? That’s what I’m trying to find out here. I have all this energy in my mind, but my body screams “Whoa, Baby! You’ve got to be kidding me?”

Okay, let’s analyze these one at a time.

Control freak – If I am not in control then that means someone else is, and I can’t stand the thought of someone else being in control.

Drama Queen – Could mean I make a mountain out of a molehill or I could just have a vivid imagination and like to tell a good story.

Long answers to short questions – (See above)

Motivator can’t self-motivate – I give it all to others, there’s nothing left for me?

Procrastinator – I bite off more than I can chew which forces me to put off doing anything at all.

Multitasker – I procrastinate for so long I have to do it all at one time.

Dreamer – The words of Marlon Brando from On the Waterfront stick in my mind. “I could’ve been a contender, I could’ve had class.” I still dream of  doing something famous to be remembered by after I’m gone. For whatever deep seeded reason, it’s important to me, and I hope I never stop trying. Dreaming is my constant affirmation.

Never satisfied – It’s not that I want more, I want better. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me and I am willing to work for whatever I am after, but once I get it, I want something better. Wait, that sounds like I want more.

Never sleep – More than four hours of sleep a night is a waste of good time. While we may lay in bed for eight hours, most people are only deep sleeping for four hours. Donald Trump built his empire and made five children on four hours of sleep a night (uumm, kind of).

I think blogging all of this has really helped me understand my personality, emotions, and behavior. If I eliminated even one of the above traits, right or wrong, good or bad, I wouldn’t be me. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was I. All of the above comes from where I’ve been and what I’ve done in my life.

This was very cheap therapy.  Of course, we get what we pay for, and I could have probably reaped the same results from a Facebook Quiz.


From Leezy’s Slice of Life (Northwest Media, May 2008)

I’ve been waiting for an architect or builder to come out with a complete subdivision of new homes without kitchens. We are spending way too much time inventing new computerized gadgets for the kitchen to make cooking more fun and easy. I heard an appraiser on the home and garden channel say that for every dollar you put into your kitchen you will get three times that much appreciation when you sell. I don’t buy that idea.

The real solution is to just build a house without a kitchen and save $30,000 to start with. If you have to computerize something, make it a system where you can order breakfast, lunch and dinner delivered to your door by pushing one button.

We’ve had a full couple of months at my house. Some health issues going on with both my dad and my husband, and right in the middle of everything my refrigerator went out. I shared this with my friends at work and they were so sympathetic

“My gosh Lee, what else can happen?” they asked. They were thinking the fridge could be the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Wrong. Not having a refrigerator is a good thing, not a bad thing.

My friends were concerned about how much food I lost when I discovered the refrigerator wasn’t working (and let’s face it, it was a miracle that I even found that the fridge wasn’t working because I hardly ever go near it).

Well, I lost one egg left in a carton of 11 egg shells, a squeeze bottle of mustard (some say I could have kept this but the use before date on it was July of 1999 so I tossed it just to be safe), and three pieces of individually wrapped cheese

My refrigerator is a piece of furniture. It holds a place in my kitchen that would otherwise be empty if it wasn’t there.  That and the fact that I use it to hold all my magnets are about the only reasons I would ever need a refrigerator.

Now, take away my deep freeze and that’s a different story, altogether. I try not to ever cook, but when I do, everything I need is in the freezer. Frozen sausage, cheese and egg biscuits for breakfast, budget entrees for lunch, Banquet TV dinners for dinner, ice cream for dessert. All microwavable, except for the ice cream of course. Be honest.  What more could anyone need?

I am going to admit that sometimes I kept milk in the fridge for my cereal. So, I had to do a little creative freezing with the milk.  I put the milk in the freezer and then when I needed it I boiled water in a large pan on the stove (see, this caused me to use the stove, another no-no in my house), laid the milk carton a little sideways in the pan and thawed just enough out to pour over my cereal and then put the carton back in the freezer.  I am sure if anyone from the University of Missouri Extension Center finds this out they will report me for misuse of a dairy product.

We’ve been officially without the fridge for a month, and I’m loving it.  My mom said we can have her refrigerator, but we are planning on moving to an apartment at some point with appliances furnished, so I am going to hold out for awhile longer.

In the mean time I have been looking into getting rid of the old fridge. I’ll tell you right now …  I’m saving that for another column.

I don’t get far from home very often. The past two Octobers I have made whiz trips to Alabama to visit family, a nine hour drive at the posted speed limit, an eight hour drive at my speed limit, and usually I am gone four days at the most.

I worry about leaving my parents at the nursing home and not being able to get to them quickly if needed. This comes from ten years ago, when I went to Pennsylvania to visit my youngest daughter, Marcy, and while I was there my dad had a massive stroke. I used to think constantly what might be different now with my dad, if I had of been there. I had a hard time letting go of that thought. I didn’t exactly feel guilty about my absence, but the “wonder if” was always on my mind.

My mother is a jewel when it comes to encouraging me to go and do. She tells me on a regular basis not to tie myself down worrying about her or my dad. In reality, they seem to serve as my anchor. And, I am one of those people who need an anchor or I am totally out of control.

Many of my friends and even family are going through trying situations right now. The one phrase that keeps popping up is “I wish I could get away for awhile.” I, myself, have been singing this tune for weeks. Thus, I decided to stay in Kansas City for a couple of days after I came up for a concert.

I had a plan. Take two days and get the cobwebs out of my head, regroup, work on a couple of writing projects I have started, try to look at my financial situation and see where I am, and do some serious prioritizing. I thought being away from everyone and everything would allow me to focus. Focus, I can’t stay focused.

I am a very hyper person. It’s not a disorder, it’s my personality. I like that about myself (I consider being hyper the same as being energetic), but (and oh how I hate when people use this as an excuse) the older I get the harder it is to turn my energy into something productive. I seem to instead, live in a state of overwhelmness.

I have enjoyed my two day break, a change of scenery. However, my head is still full of cobwebs, I didn’t finish even one of the writing projects, and I have no plan in place for my future. Because . . . I couldn’t . . . focus.

Our thoughts, worries, or wants, can never be left behind, regardless of where we go to get away. We carry them in our heads and in our hearts wherever we go. For the most part, this proves that we are “normal” and we are all in this life together.

I didn’t experience any new revelations while here in Kansas City. I did confirm what I already knew. If you want to take a trip just to get away, thinking you’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel, stay home and get a flashlight.

I met my husband, D.O. in Turner Enterprises. D.O. was Washington State Director for the company and I met him while attending a  training seminar he was teaching. It’s eye rolling corny to say, I fell head over heels in love with him before the seminar was over, but I fell head over heels in love with him before the seminar was over. We were both married at the time, he was fifteen years older than I was, and the road that followed was rocky and roller coaster like and it was a very long road.  The ending was happy, at least for me, and I don’t mean that as a selfish statement, because other lives were involved and not all turned out as happy as mine.

This post is for my Turner Enterprise friends, mainly, Sharon and Johnny and Pauline’s family, especially their daughter, Jan.  We have reconnected on Facebook and it has been awesome and brought what we were caught up in so many years ago, to the surface once again.

The following is simply a piece of my life.  I know my Turner Enterprise friends will be able to relate and remember how and when all our lives were changed.

Thirty- some years before The Secret became an overnight success for a new generation of positive thinkers, Glenn W. Turner’s Dare to Be Great had already left a mark on a different generation teaching the practice of affirmations, visualizing, and setting and reaching goals.

Dare to Be Great was before New Age thinking became the in thing for the boomers. Anyone in sales is familiar with motivators like Norman Vincent Peale and Dale Carnegie.  Glenn W. Turner differed from men like Peale and Carnegie, because Turner went into the trenches to find people looking for a better way of believing in themselves and in living, not just people in sales, but people in all walks of life, the everyday people.  While some investors lost money, Turner and other followers made big money, and that sent up a red flag to the SEC, because quite frankly, at that time they really hadn’t seen anything like this company before.

Turner started his company with Koscot Kosmetics. Most of us came into the company under Koscot, before we moved on to Dare to Be Great.  Both were multilevel and pyramid driven and broke all the rules and laws of marketing. We  argued these were the  same marketing concepts that great companies were built on and we believed it. But this was the early 1970s, and it scared the crap out of a lot of attorney generals who were getting complaints and the SEC. Granted we left some bodies behind, nothing to be proud of, but we also nourished a group of people who after almost forty years continue to believe in the philosophy of DTBG.

It really was a time for those who were involved with the company to live in the fast lane. We spent a lot of time in the air flying back and forth to Orlando and we were always on the move. Home became the Holiday Inn or the Ramada for weeks at a time where we lived on room service and worked night and day non-stop most of the time. When you live and work with people 24/7, connections are established that you can only understand if you’ve experienced it first hand. Marriages and relationships were broken, new marriages and new relationships were formed. I don’t think any of us are proud of this part either, but it is what it is. We were coming out of the sixties into the seventies and most of us were lacking something in our lives to start with when Glenn W. Turner came along.

While I traveled as a company trainer, D.O. was part of the inner circle of the company. When we worked together we were dynamite, and that is not bragging, it is simply a fact. I am sure there are literally hundreds of people who were not successful who would love to kill us, but on the other side, I’ve kept the letters from those who felt we played a part in changing their lives forever in a positive way. It wasn’t always about the money, it was about making a difference.

Then, what started out to be a good thing, became something else. We left the company when legal issues were pouring in from attorney generals across the U.S.  When we left we were broke and the IRS was looking for us (yes, they found us).

After a few tries of various other business ventures, we landed in Missouri and transitioned back to a so-called normal life.  We were married in a simple ceremony in the parsonage of a local church by a wonderful preacher who was one of my dad’s customers. My parents were the only other people present at our ceremony.  We were blessed with a son a year and a half later. We settled in and settled down, but we never left our DTBG motivation far behind in anything we did.

D.O. used to get aggravated at me because I was so hung up on the why? Why did I meet him when and how I did? Why did my life change so drastically when I wasn’t expecting it? Why were we so blessed and fortunate to survive all of this together and build a life?

When Sharon and I connected on FB, she wasn’t even aware that D.O. and I had ended up together. While Jan’s parents, Johnny and Pauline became our closest friends. When we were going through personal and family turmoil in the beginning, they never once judged, never once said they approved or disapproved, they were just there for us.  Long after we all left the company they moved close to us and Johnny and D.O. worked together again.  They were here during our son’s early years and when they moved back to Washington, they continued to visit us regularly.

I’m back to the why? I believe God is in control of our destiny or fate and that everything happens for a reason.  I believe a move taken in a split second, can change our lives forever. I can remember clearly when that second was in my life, and I have to believe through it all, that God allowed our lives to change as they did.

In the mid eighties, many years after we lost touch with anyone from TE, Glenn W. Turner and a partner were convicted of charges of conspiracy, fraud and illegal pyramid sales in connection with their Challenge Inc. motivational program. Even after serving time for his conviction, Turner continues to be a controversial figure in the world of motivation. One thing for certain is, regardless of when or on what level  you followed his philosophy, if you believed in it, your life would never be the same.

All Things Are Possible by Glenn W. Turner

Glenn W. Turner the King of MLM

A few friends like to tease me about being a “rocker.”  I wish I were a true rocker, but I am more of a groupie than anything else. I have a thing for music.

My folks raised me on music. My granddad played the banjo, my dad the guitar, and my mom sang.  When I was a kid, on the weekends we all gathered at friends’ houses and the adults played music while the kids ran wild. It was just the way things were. I never knew that anyone did anything different on the weekends. My entire life I have had music on my mind or in my head, and always in my heart. Other than being a Christian, music is the one thing that keeps me going. That’s hard for anyone to understand, even those closest to me.

Back in the 70s we had a little band going for a while. Nothing great, just something for fun, but I was probably happier during that time than any other time I can think of. Until now, that is.

Mike Dickerson and Li’anne Drysdale invited me to sit in on a rehearsal a few years ago when their previous  band Rubber Universe was working on the Parliament of Fooles album. I had been away from live music and bands for so many years, I had forgotten how it affected me, and in a single instant, I was back where I used to be and I haven’t been the same since.

I had a rude awakening when I got involved with music again. I found that I had missed a lot of new genres, had forgotten a few of my favorites old ones, and so I practically started from scratch trying to catch up with the industry. It wasn’t about having fun, I took all of my researching seriously, and found it hard to retain a lot of what I was learning. But I didn’t, and won’t give up. It’s what I want to be a part of and I know it’s what makes me tick .

Mike and Li’anne introduced me to prog rock, a little metal, a little gothic, and then symphonic rock. All genres that I would have never guessed I would love as I do now. They also introduced me to some great new friends, I won’t name all of them, but Gina, David, R.J., and just recently Jim and Ann Brooks. Most of these folks, like Mike and Li’anne, have some ties to the Alan Parsons Project and they all have tons of interesting stories to tell. As much as I love to talk, it has been a joy to listen for a change. They also have all been extremely kind to me.

Night-Music Observatory is Mike and Li’anne’s new symphonic rock band. NMO is made up of some of the old band and we have a few new folks who have joined us. Anthony Saitta on drums, B.J. DeClue on bass and Samantha Thomas, vocals. It is my pleasure now to be a little more than a groupie as I have been invited to act as press agent/publicist and help coordinate bookings. I hope my years of marketing/sales and writing experience and my love for music in general, will serve the band well. To say I am excited about this opportunity would be putting it very mildly.

Saturday evening, February 27, NMO played their first live gig at Borders in Springfield. We had a huge crowd, many family, friends, and fans, and it was just an awesome evening for all of us. It also brought several inquiries about our availability to play for future events and functions.

We are all looking forward to the new challenges and rewards ahead for NMO and we hope all our friends will come along with us for the ride.

A post with no title

I am director of student services and marketing for a well respected Christian university, where I have been employed for close to twenty years. If you know me, pretend that you don’t. Let’s just say you ran upon this post at random, and decided to read it. Why? Because, I don’t want you to think of me, I want you to think of what this post is about.

If you are honest with yourself, you will admit that some mornings you wake up thinking I wonder what it would feel like if I didn’t have to go to work, or didn’t have so many responsibilities?  These of course, are human thoughts, and we all have them.

I seem to be at a crossroad in my life. I didn’t simply wake up one morning with this revelation.  It’s been on-going for over a year now. I like to use phrases like starting over; or a new beginning; putting the past behind me; but the bottom line is, I don’t know what in the hell I want. I think it’s good that I can admit that. Can you admit it?

I do know, that I want to teach. Not academics.  My formal education doesn’t go that far right now, but I want to teach people about life.  And honestly, it is totally self-serving,  because the only way I seem to be able to dig myself out of where I am, is by motivating and encouraging others. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is nothing out there, n-o-t-h-i-n-g, that I haven’t been through at some point in my life. You can call that a “drama queen” statement if you want, but it is the truth. No one, my children included, have  a clue as to what I have been through in my lifetime. If they knew, I feel that their support would be iffy, to say the least.

I am sixty-six years old. My job has recently taken a different curve, so to speak. For what it’s worth, my job has been my life for many years. I know, in my heart and in my mind, that God alone, put me where I am for a reason. I have such a compassion and understanding of students who are trying to move on and improve their lives. When I look into a student’s eyes, I can see myself. When they share their problems with me, I can’t legally reply, but in my heart I know exactly where they are. I consider this a blessing.

I feel that I am at a point where I no longer can give my all, 24/7 to my students. It’s a sad place to be. It has nothing to do with university policy, but with labor laws. I have been openly outspoken on this issue (even to the Springfield News-Leader at one point, and being interviewed and vidoed by an MSU grad student), and I regret that a labor law that protects so many abused employees has actually became a burden to those of us who want to perform our jobs above and beyond, simply because we know it is a calling.

This is the one and only thing I know for sure. We  are not in control here. God is in control. Whatever is to be, is to be.

I never want to wake up in the morning with the thought of I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have to go to work? I have always, always said, that if I cannot make a difference in just one person’s life a day, I am not where I need to be. I maintain that thought.

I hope I can continue to make a difference in students’ lives for a year or so more. It’s where God lead me, and it is where God will sustain me, if it is in His will.

Let’s go back to my opening paragraph about pretending you don’t know me if you do. Now I say, if you do know me, you know I had to say all of this. I am not one to push anything under the rug, or not be outspoken. I am a living cliche of what you see is what you get. I think that is a total positive. I hope everyone I love, thinks the same, God included.

New Year’s Day is synonymous with starting anew. The fact is, that every single day of our lives can be a new year and has nothing to do with a calendar. We need to all grasp that concept, because it makes us less hard on ourselves when we seem to fail at the resolutions or “intentions” we have made or set on New Year’s Day.

All of my life I have never been able to continue to write on a piece of paper that I have made a mistake on. If I make a mistake, I can’t erase it, or white it out, I have to start on a clean sheet of paper to continue on. I know this has some deep seeded psychological meaning that I may never be able to fully understand, but bottom line, it means I don’t like to see my mistakes. I don’t have a problem admitting that.

The point here is, that all of us should be able to begin each and every day with new intentions and goals. If we screw up, just leave it behind and start anew.  It’s a mind game, really. I think we are all extremely hard on ourselves, and if we can change that, we can change anything.

It’s been a glorious two days in southwest Missouri. For some reason the weather inspired me to do a couple of things that I have put behind me in the past year. One, rearranging a little furniture and deep cleaning the house, and two, working in the yard.

I hate working in the yard. As I’ve mentioned many times, I’m not an outside person, I’m a shameful city girl who defines roughing it as staying at a five star hotel with room service, but no view.

I have a gracious neighbor who has mowed for me and helped with other “yard” things in the months since my husband, D.O., has been gone, and even before, when my husband was unable to do much outside. I have just recently ventured around our property, all three acres, taking it all in, something that I had no desire to do in the past year.

Yesterday morning, I decided I would clear the brush around our front deck and bring the cushions out of storage for the deck furniture. I know this is something that most people would do in the spring, but this is “my spring” since I wasn’t real coherent during the real spring.

I bought a new flag to hang, something that was always a ritual with D.O. I had taken the old flag down last fall that we had put up together the previous spring. Hanging the flag at our house was always a serious event, and always a fight, because I would try to hang it first without reading the instructions as D.O. sat watching and shaking his head until I would thrust the flag at him and say “Okay, you’re so damn smart, let’s see you do it!” and of course he would have it up in five seconds. That cord thing always threw me. My new flag had snaps. Thank you, God.

Earlier this evening, before dark, I sat on the deck and watched the birds, rabbits, and all other varmints that roam our property. Yesterday, I had a one on one with a wasps’ nest and killed about ten wasps with one swat of the broom (you only get one chance at something like that because if you miss you better be a fast mover), today they were back flying around like “You haven’t seen the last of us lady!”

All of this to say my house and yard are almost back to a normal state, whatever that is. I forced myself every step of the way, because I wasn’t interested or motivated in doing any of it. But out on the deck this evening, I felt like nothing had changed in the past four years. I felt like getting up out of my deck chair and opening the front door to yell at D.O. “Hey, are you coming out? It’s great out here!”

If I didn’t believe in my own mind that I was sane, it would be easy to believe otherwise. My mind constantly works 24/7 with Iwant to sell the house, I never want to leave this house. But, going through the motions this weekend of working in the house and yard was the only way I have to keep on going.

For now, the rest is up to a higher being than me.

Please read this post with a positive frame of mind, because that is how it is being written.

I write in the margins of my bible. Not sure why I started this habit, but I think it brought to me the feeling of journaling with God’s blessings and understanding.

As our nation celebrated the anniversary of September 11, yesterday, I have been looking to the anniversary of September 14th,  documented in my bible, Brought D.O. home, thank you, God.

On September 14, 2008, God so granted me, one last day and night at home with my husband, D.O., who passed away October 16th, 2008, after a battle with vascular dementia. I write about this now, not as a negative, but as a total positive in the way God works.

After D.O. was admitted to the nursing home on June 11, 2008, I brought him home only twice. The first time, against all of the doctors’ and nurses’ wishes and advice. The first time we came home, he sat in his chair in the den and watched me as I packed some things away from my desk. He did not know he was home, but was, as always, just happy to be with me, and I enjoyed the time for the same.

The second time, on September 14th, I could say that I brought D.O. home for the last time, but it was more like, I confiscated him from the nursing home. He had been highly agitated for several days, I had spent two nights in a row at the nursing home with him, when I finally had to come home and sleep. One of the nurses called about noon, woke me up, and said that they would be transporting D.O. to the Wellness Center, because they could no longer control him at all.  I thank God everyday for that nurse and for that call. I said ” No, they won’t, I will be there in five minutes to get him!”

I wasn’t sure of the legalities of what I was doing at the time. I just knew that no one was going to transport my husband anywhere in the shape he was in. When I got to the nursing home and to the ward, I keyed in the security code and the doors opened and there he stood leaning against the wall. I said “Let’s go home,” and he replied simply “I’m ready.” The staff helped me get him in the car, I had a terrible time getting him in the house, because he was not all that steady on his feet. But God was there working every second of the way. I got him in, cleaned him up, and put him to bed in our bed. It was close to evening, and I was so tired I thought I would die, but I climbed in bed next to D.O. and wrapped his tee shirt around my hand for fear he would get up in the night and I wouldn’t wake up. We made it through the night, with getting up only once. Thank you again, God.

In the morning, as he slept I started making phone calls, trying to see what damage I had done. I started with the nursing home. They were great and called both hospitals in Springfield to see if I could get him admitted under the circumstances and both were full. They called CMH Wellness Center in Bolivar and made arrangements for me to bring him in through the ER.

When D.O. woke up, I got him dressed and fixed him a little breakfast. I grin every time I think of this, because of the fact that right up until the end, the man made me cook, which was always a sore spot with me, since I hate to cook.

Getting him in the car and to ER was a job in itself, but we made it. He slept most of the time in ER and they gave us both warm blankets which was so comforting at the time. One of my students told me later she saw me in the ER asleep in a chair wrapped in a blanket and didn’t want to disturb me, but wondered what was going on.

The next several weeks from September 15, to October 16, are a completely different story. I may write about it and I may not.

Those close to me probably haven’t noticed that I have hardly mentioned D.O. all week. Last weekend I got on a widow/widower website and read posts from those who had lost their spouses and I said out loud to myself  My God, what am I complaining about?  Compared to most people, God blessed me right up until the last few minutes of D.O.’s life. I have tried to keep that in mind all week, and as I move into the anniversary of his passing, I want to continue to give thanks for the time I had with him.

So, September 14th is in my bible as a “special day” and it will always be a special day.  Not a day of sadness, but one of praise for whatever reason, God so chose to give me one more day and night at home with D.O.  I will be forever thankful.

Yes, I am one of  those people. A procrastinator. I use all the little cliches we procrastinators use, my favorite being, I work better under pressure, and that is no lie, I do. There is a fine line for some between just being plain lazy, and putting things off for other reasons.  For most of us, procrastination is caused by something much deeper than simply being lazy. In my own personal case, I procrastinate for one of two reasons.

The first reason being, if I put off dealing with something, then in my mind it doesn’t exist (I know Sigmund would love me).

The second is at the root of my procrastination, and that is a fear of failing or not doing a good enough job at whatever it is I have to tackle. I am not talking about someone else thinking I failed, I am talking about not living up to my own expectations. This is a deadly flaw in anyone who wants to be a writer. It causes true writer’s block, and it makes it almost impossible to meet any deadlines that most writers have to live by.

So for me, procrastination is not the real problem. The problem is fear. I don’t think I am alone in why I put things off. Regardless of what their career or life path is, I think there are plenty of other procrastinators out there that can’t get started on something important because they have a fear of failing.

I have a tag on my key chain that reads Always do the thing you think you can’t do.  I have to constantly remind myself that I must do the thing I think I can’t do. In the end, no one ever knows what you go through to accomplish or finish something.

Unless you’re like me, and you admit it.